


Five Christmases

by Kitiara_Raistlin



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Holiday, Mostly Canon Compliant, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitiara_Raistlin/pseuds/Kitiara_Raistlin
Summary: Four Christmases Tony and Steve spent together, and one they didn't.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Laura Barton, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Kudos: 2





	Five Christmases

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly canon compliant but I took liberties with the timeline of Iron Man 3, which probably should have taken place during the first Christmas but I moved it to the second. 
> 
> This is not the best thing I've ever written, but I'm in the holiday spirit and wanted to write a Christmas story :-)

**The First Christmas**

Steve yawned and leaned back against the elevator wall. Breakfast sounded good, and coffee. Another day. How he was going to spend it, well it didn’t matter that much. He still felt adrift in this world he’d found himself in. Fury had offered him a job at SHIELD. He’d been reluctant at first but over the past month he’d found himself seriously considering it. He just felt so…aimless. Avenger Tower was an amazing place and Tony had been quite hospitable to them all, but Steve needed something, some purpose, something to guide him and make him feel that he hadn’t lost everything that gave him meaning in life for no purpose.

He ran a hand across his face and tried to focus, tried to pull himself together and out of the rut he’d been in for months now.

The elevator stopped and the doors slid open. He stepped out into the common room and blinked. He also came as close to swearing as he had ever done before in his life.

Everything was bedecked in tinsel and ornaments. Wreaths and stars were everywhere, and a large tree was in the center of the room.

Natasha and Clint were both over at the kitchen island, with cups of coffee in hand. Natasha was looking rather sick as she took in the sight, but Clint was grinning from ear to ear. Pepper was up on a ladder hanging a few ornaments near the top of the tree, with Bruce reluctantly handing more up to her while Tony, on the couch, watched the proceedings.

“Ah, Cap,” said Tony, as he spotted him. “Welcome to Winter Wonderland or, as I like to call it Winter Overload.”

Pepper rolled her eyes and called out over her shoulder. “He’s pretending to complain but deep down he loves it.”

“I don’t know what part of ‘this is nauseating’ you translated into ‘love it’, but then I’m pretty sure at least once in the past, when you were annoyed at me, you said I nauseated you, so there is evidence that you equate the two concepts.”

Pepper laughed and, looking down from him from the ladder, smiled and blew him a kiss.

Tony got up and came over to Steve. “So, Clint says he has to head out late tonight and won’t be back until the New Year, so Christmas Eve bash tonight, you in?”

“Uh...probably not.”

Tony blinked, a little surprised. “Really? You’ve got someplace to be?” The question dripped with skepticism.

“I just…can’t make it.”

“Can’t?” He raised an eyebrow.

An overwhelming urge to get out of there washed over Steve and breakfast was forgotten. “I’ve got to go,” he said abruptly. He slammed the elevator button and the doors slid open.

“Steve I-” But Steve was already in the elevator and hammering on the button for the gym. As the doors shut, Tony turned to Nat. “What did I do wrong?”

“For once: nothing.” And Nat frowned.

* * *

Steve made his way down the gym. He’d handled that badly and he could have kicked himself for it. It had just been unexpected. He also found it a little concerning that he’d lost track of the days enough to not realize it was already December 24th.

He went to work on the punching bag, trying to distract himself and his thoughts. But it was impossible. They kept drifting back to last Christmas…only it wasn’t last Christmas, was it? It was _his_ last Christmas, but there’d been decades worth of Christmases between then and now. Christmases he’d miss as the world changed and people died…

The door opened and Tony entered in. Steve’s fist clinched a little tighter and he tried not to sigh audibly. Right now, he just wanted to be alone.

“So…” said Tony, coming up and propping a shoulder against the wall as he watched him. “What’s going on?”

Steve stopped, and reached a hand out to still the bag. “What do you mean?”

“I thought you of all people would be all ‘Christmas cheer’ and stomach-turning holiday spirit.”

Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Er, I mean that in the best way possible of course.”

“Of course.” Steve went back to punching the bag.

“…so? Why aren’t you?” Tony crossed his arms.

“It’s complicated.”

“Well if you use small words I might be able to grasp it,” said Tony drily.

“I didn’t mean-“ Steve rolled his eyes and stopped punching. “Look, Tony, Christmas is a time you want to spend with family and home and traditions, and it’s a time that really makes you miss those things when you’ve lost them. Everyone I loved is dead. All those traditions and memories we shared are gone with them. And my home doesn’t even exist anymore. I look out the window and I don’t even recognize the city that I grew up in. I’m alone. And this isn’t my world. I just don’t feel…jolly right now.”

Tony stood there for a long moment and then nodded. “I understand.”

“…Really?”

“Hey,” Tony held up his hands in mock defense, “if I wasn’t so wealthy I’d be a real Scrooge about the day. But I’ve discovered Norse gods are real so I’m not risking the ghosts of Christmas coming for a visit. I have no desire to see the past, present, or future. And Pepper would bully me into Christmas anyways. But believe me…I get not feeling in the spirit.” There was a pause, a long one. “Sorry if upstairs with the decorations made you uncomfortable.”

Steve blinked, surprised. “Uh no. Upstairs is fine. It’s your tower.”

“Ours. Didn’t you see the big name on the side? Avengers?”

Steve chuckled. “Kind of hard to miss.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t believe in subtlety. And neither does Pepper with the Christmas decorations. I can talk to her though about dialing it back.”

“No, don’t do that. Just because I don’t feel like celebrating doesn’t mean I don’t want everyone else to have a good time.”

“Okay. Well then I’ll let you get back to murdering the punching back. Oh and once you do finish killing it there are ten more in the supply closet over there.” He started to head out and then paused at the door. “Hey, I know you don’t feel festive but uh…would you mind joining us for just one drink tonight anyways? Just one. For the team.”

“…Sure Tony. I’ll be there.”

Tony grinned. “Thanks.”

* * *

Later that night, as Steve rode the elevator up, he gave himself a lecture. Today wasn’t about him. If the others wanted to celebrate he wasn’t going to bring the party down. He should have hidden his feelings better this morning and he shouldn’t have laid them on Tony later.

Tonight he was going to hang out with the team, chat, laugh, and have as good a time as he could and fake what he couldn’t. Everyone had had a hard year. They needed this. It was the least he could give them.

The elevator stopped and he stepped out. And then he froze. It was like stepping into another world. Or more accurately, it was like stepping into the past. In every one of the ceiling to fall windows was a view of…New York. The New York he’d grown up in. The New York he’d loved. The skyline of New York from the 30’s.

Dazed, he walked towards them, reaching out a hand. His fingers brushed thick, sturdy paper.

“You’re not supposed to touch it,” said Tony coming up beside him. “It breaks the illusion.”

Steve turned around. The others were scattered around the room. They’d clearly been in conversations but were now watching him. Tony handed him a beer.

“I don’t understand,” said Steve “How…”

“Well, JARVIS did most of the work. He scanned through thousands of hours of film and TV footage, trawled through newspapers and photographs to recreate the images, all in the matter of a couple of hours. He’s good.”

“You did this?”

“After our chat, I thought you know, I can’t turn New York back in time but, hey you can at least look out the window for Christmas and see home.”

“…Thank you Tony. Really…thank you. You don’t know…I can’t tell you what-…just thank you.” He reached out and hugged Tony.

“Oh we’re doing hugs now. Okay.”

Conversation started back up throughout the room, and Steve gave a slightly shaky chuckle and pulled back. “This is incredible.”

“…Look I know what it’s like not to want to celebrate Christmas because the people you care about aren’t there to celebrate with you. And I know no matter what name is on the tower, this doesn’t feel like home yet. And I know we don’t always get along,” he added with a grin. “But I promise, you don’t have to celebrate Christmas alone. And as I’ll always be around for it, so we’ll make how own Christmas memories and traditions. Deal?” He held out a hand. Steve smiled and took it.

“Deal.”

**The Second Christmas**

Thor’s voice boomed out across the room. “And this man makes all the elves make presents for him?”

“Not for him! For the children.”

“And he doesn’t pay them?”

It was late on Christmas night. The tree was set up in the common room, the electric fire had been lit, casting flickering shadows across the room in which most of the other lights had been shut off.

Natasha was leaning back on the couch, half reclined, a beer in hand, laughing as Bruce tried to explain the various holiday customs and stories to a very confused Thor.

Steve sat on the floor; his back propped up against the one of the armchairs and chuckled. It was a much better Christmas than last year. These people were his friends. He’d started working with SHIELD in the summer. He had a purpose. He might not like how they did everything, but he trusted Fury’s ultimate goals and if he himself could smooth some of the edges as he went, so much the better.

“And this reindeer’s nose glowed….because?” Thor was asking, his voice deep in concentration.

“I mean….he was just born that way?” said Bruce a little helplessly.

Suddenly Thor gave an explosive snort of laughter. “I am sorry. You should see your face.”

“What? Wait...what do you mean?”

“I am sorry,” said Thor, as he chuckled. “Jane has already explained to me most of your holiday stories.”

“Wait you mean you already knew all this?”

“It was too much fun making you explain it all.”

They were all laughing now, when the elevators opened and Pepper and Tony walked in. Both of them looked tired and small wonder. The Avengers had been given a report about the Mandarin and Extremis that morning.

“Hey.” Steve scrambled to his feet.

“You set up the tree,” said Pepper, delighted.

“Of course,” said Nat. “I mean we didn’t use _all_ the tinsel. And I’m better at shooting than arranging wreaths but-”

“It’s beautiful.” Pepper sunk down onto the sofa in front of the tree and sleepily took in its magnificence.

Steve approached Tony, who’d gone straight to the bar. “We didn’t expect you.”

Tony poured himself a drink and gave him a crooked smile. “I promised you last year didn’t I? I’ll always be around for Christmas. Granted, almost missed this one. But I’ll be more punctual for the next one.” He took a long drink and leaned against the bar and closed his eyes.

“Tony? Are you okay?”

“I will be,” said Tony, his tone more raw and honest than Steve had ever heard it. “I will be.”

**The Third Christmas**

It was just before dawn. Steve stood at the window of the common room and looked out over the New York skyline, watching as the sun slowly began to appear, casting streaking of prink and gold across the sky.

The skyline was no longer foreign to him. But he doubted it would ever feel like home.

He hadn’t been able to sleep. He hadn’t been sleeping much lately at all. His thoughts where with Bucky, wherever he was now. What did he remember? Did he remember any of the Christmases the pair had shared? Surely if he did, he wouldn’t still be running from him. Would he ever remember?

_Where was he?_

“You’re up early.”

Steve started and turned. Tony was standing by the stairs, a mug of coffee in one hand.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Tony came over to stand beside him. “Too excited for Santa, huh?” he asked drily.

Steve gave a small chuckle. “Something like.” He glanced over at Tony and his gut twisted.

 _You’ve got to tell him_ , he thought, _you’ve got to tell him what you know. You’ve got to tell him about his parents and that it might have been Bucky- no not Bucky. It might have been the Winter Soldier. Whatever he did as the Soldier it wasn’t Bucky’s fault. Tony will understand. But you’ve got to tell him…_

“Look Tony, about Hydra and Shield-”

“I know. I know. I of all people should have kept a closer eye on what my tech was being used for.” Tony sighed. “I let it happen again. My tech used by the bad guys once again. I never learn do I?”

“Tony…”

“Look, Steve I know it was really hard losing SHIELD. I know you wanted to believe in them. So did I. I still wake up in a cold sweat, from nightmares about what would have happened if you hadn’t brought those platforms down. And I know you probably, once again, don’t feel much like celebrating the holidays, huh?”

“Not really.”

“I get that.” Tony stared out the window for a moment longer and then turned to face Steve. “You know the very worst Christmas I ever had? A week before it, my parents died in a car crash.”

“I’m sorry.” So sorry. More sorry than he could make Tony understand in this moment.

“Hey, it happens.” Tony gave a huff and swigged his coffee. “I hated the very idea that it was Christmas. I couldn’t- I was numb. It made everything worse that this was a day I was supposed to be happy on and instead I just felt all torn up inside. But Jarvis was there.”

“Jarvis?”

“Not robot JARVIS. Human Jarvis.”

“I didn’t know there was a human Jarvis.”

“Our butler. Great guy. I didn’t realize how much he was family until I didn’t have any other family left. He didn’t ask me to pretend to be okay but he also didn’t tell me to just ignore the day. Instead he took me into the kitchen, made me some hot chocolate, gave me ginger cookies…and he told me it was okay to be sad on Christmas. That the day was there for the broken too. That the real spirit of the day wasn’t there to make us feel worse about feeling bad, but to comfort and allow us to grieve if that’s what we needed.” Tony shook his head. “If you think AI JARVIS is smart you should have met the man.”

Steve gave a chuckle. “It sounds like he was a good one.”

“He was…I told Pepper I wasn’t really up for the full celebration today. And she understood. I thought you might not be quite up for it either.”

“Thank you. I’m not.”

“Good. So why don’t we make some pancakes, wake Pepper up, and sit down in front of the TV, and we watch movies all day, huh?”

“Something in black and white?”

“Tell you what, for every blockbuster we watch for your cultural education we’ll match it with one of those musical monstrosities you enjoy.”

“They are not monstrosities.”

As Tony drifted towards the kitchen, continuing the verbal battle over musicals, Steve decided that the truth about that Christmas all those years ago and the car crash, would just have to wait.

 _I’ll tell him later,_ Steve thought to himself, _I’ll tell him later…not today. It can’t be today…_

**The Fourth Christmas**

_“Wow.”_ Tony stared in awe.

The outside of the farmhouse was bedecked in Christmas lights. Little figures made of more lights dotted the front lawn, presenting a menagerie of various creatures: dogs, pandas, cats, bears, elephants, piglets, and horses. All with Santa hats or Christmas scarves.

Nat grinned. “Laura and kids know how to decorate for the holidays.”

The front door banged open and Lila was dashing down the stairs as her mother yelled after her something about a jacket. But Lila was running through the snow, calling for Aunt Nat, and then throwing herself into her arms as Natasha caught her up.

“Even Pepper could learn a thing or two about decorating from this house,” said Steve.

Tony expression of shock was replaced by a strained smile. “Yeah.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Uh yeah. Everything is fine.”

Steve frowned. “Where is Pepper by the way? I thought she was joining us?”

“Nah. She had work. Come on.”

Steve wondered if he should push it. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to the story, something Tony was leaving unsaid. But since Ultron things had been…strained between him and Tony. Before he had a chance to decide what he should do, Tony had left his side and was following Nat up the steps and into the house.

Clint and Laura met them in the hall. There were carols playing from speakers. A tree surrounded by presents sat in one corner of the living room. The scent of cinnamon, apples, cloves, goose, and hot bread drifted from the kitchen.

“Thank you for having us,” said Nat, hugging them both.

“I can see now why we never got Clint for a Christmas at the tower,” said Tony, taking in the decorations that flooded the house. “This is incredible.”

“You haven’t even tasted the food yet,” said Clint. “Then you will only wonder how I ever tore myself away again.”

“It was the dishes,” said Laura matter-of-factly. “He left to avoid doing the dishes.”

Cooper was there, launching himself at Nat. It was good to see Nat look so happy. Since Bruce left…well. She was still Nat: cool, composed, dedicated. But Steve could never quite shake the feeling that there was something under the surface. Something she hid way down there in the depths. Perhaps not something broken exactly, but something cracked.

Now however, surrounded by the kids, who were dragging her off to see Nathanial, she looked at peace, with her guard down for once, and completely contented. It was good. It was right.

Clint led Tony and Steve into the living room as Laura returned to the kitchen.

“I made punch. Here you go.”

“You made it?” Tony took a sip. “ _Wow!_ ”

“Might have gone overboard on the rum.”

“Careful Steve. This might even make you drunk.”

Steve laughed, and felt the tension he hadn’t been aware was there, ease out of his shoulders.

“This is incredible,” said Tony, looking around the room. “I feel like I’ve stepped into a Hallmark Christmas movie.”

Clint grinned. “Laura knows how to do Christmas right.”

And she did. Everything about that night was perfect. The food was like nothing Steve had ever eaten before. The kids were so both so thrilled not just to have Aunt Nat there, but two other Avengers as well. Clint was so clearly enjoying his retirement. Laura beamed at him with such pride. Nat so obviously felt at home here. Even Tony seemed to unload the weight that had been on his shoulders for the past months.

Everything just felt…happy.

Somehow in this cozy farmhouse, surrounded by such a happy, loving family, it was possible just to accept this moment in time, to celebrate the holiday…and to be at peace.

In the back of his mind somewhere, Steve remembered that just the day before he had felt an uneasy foreboding. Things were getting complicated. He wished Thor and Bruce were back. He wished he could find Bucky. He felt they were all hurtling for a fall but he didn’t know where the cliff was so how could he stop it? But right now, whatever the future held, however dark things might get, they had this moment. And it was light.

**The Fifth Christmas**

Pepper had decorated. Pepper would always decorate. But the living room felt empty and still. Thank everything good and kind that he had her back. That she’d come home to him and loved him and that she was one good, pure thing that he hadn’t lost.

She was asleep in their bedroom now. But Tony couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep all night. He swore. He had been enjoying Christmas Eve. He had gone over in the afternoon to the kid’s and given Peter the most expensive, awesome computer that kid could ever had imagined and grinned at how thrilled he’d been. He’d also given him a new piece of tech for his suit but that had been hush hush because it was still best to tread carefully around Aunt May and the whole Spider-Man thing. She had had… _words_ for him on the subject after discovering Peter’s er…pastime. Words Tony was not about to forget any time soon. Then Peter had let slip about the airport and, well...Tony wasn’t exactly her favorite person right now.

Rhodey was spending the holiday with family. Vision was…well if anyone asked he was at the compound. In actual fact he was missing. Had been for a day or two. Tony had no doubt he’d be back in a few days more, without a word about where he’d been. He didn’t have any doubts either who he was spending the holiday with. Tony wouldn’t ask and Vision wouldn’t tell. It was better that way under the circumstances.

Tony had then had a wonderful dinner with Pepper and everything had been good. Real good. And he’d been happy. And it was going to be a good Christmas…

Until it wasn’t.

As Pepper had fallen asleep in his arms, he had thought how peaceful it was. It wasn’t going to be a big grand day tomorrow. Just the pair of them. But it was perfect.

It suddenly shot across his mind that thank goodness Clint’s house arrest deal had come through in time for him to be back to the farm for December.

His thoughts drifted to last Christmas, and going to the farm. He’d been all twisted up inside. Pepper and him were splintering, he couldn’t get away from the guilt inside his own head over Ultron. But that one day had stood out from a hell of a year as a bright spot of joy.

And then it’d been followed by another hell of a year. The past year flashed through his memory unbidden and he felt the familiar wash of anger and resentment, that thinking of Steve always brought over him.

 _No,_ he told himself firmly, _don’t bloody think about Steve. Don’t let him ruin today. He’s not here._

And then, hard on the heels of that thought, came a memory of Tony’s own words: _But I promise, you don’t have to celebrate Christmas alone. And as I’ll always be around for it, so we’ll make how own Christmas memories and traditions._

His jaw clenched.

It was Steve fault that promise was being broken.

He shut his eyes, and tried to sleep. But sleep wouldn’t come. The promise kept playing around and around in his head.

Somewhere around three in the morning he had gotten out of bed and gone to the lab. But he couldn’t focus on any of his work and eventually found his way to the living room and poured his way through several glasses of whiskey.

And so he sat on the sofa and drank and held the phone Steve had sent him in his hand.

 _Steve lied, Steve broke the Avengers, Steve left me there in Siberia, Steve is out there somewhere with Barnes. Barnes who-. Steve brought all of this about._ He kept telling himself that.

But he had promised.

He couldn’t get away from that thought.

He dialed. He told himself he’d let it ring twice and then he’d hang up. He’d have done his part. He could wash his hands of it then and go and get some sleep-

It hadn’t even rung one full time before the call was answered. “Tony?”

Tony wasn’t prepared for the wash of emotions as he heard Steve’s voice. Tired, he rubbed his eyes. “Hey Cap.”

“Is everything all right?”

“Yeah… everything is fine.”

“Oh. I thought you must be calling because…” Steve’s voice trailed off.

Tony let out a heavy sigh and adjusted himself on the sofa so that he was stretched out on it, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m calling because I made a promise,” he said evenly. “I promised you we’d always celebrate Christmas together. Well this year, this is the best I can do.”

“I…” There was a beat. “Thank you. That means a lot.” Steve’s voice was thick with emotion. Tony refused to match it.

“So,” he said, as lightly as he could, “what’s Christmas in Wakanda like? Do they really know how to party there?”

“How did you know-?”

“It didn’t take a genius to figure it out,” said Tony drily, “and in case you forgot, I _am_ a genius. So, Christmas party at the royal palace?”

“Yes. But you’d have to ask Sam if you want the details. I didn’t go...don’t really feel much like celebrating.”

“Oh? Spending another Christmas killing punching bags?”

“Something like.”

There was a long silence. Tony stared up at the ceiling. _Just say it. Maybe then you can get some sleep._

“….For what it’s worth…I hope next Christmas is better for you.”

“Thank you.” There was a beat. “Tony, I’m really so-”

“Don’t.” It came out sharp and hard. Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes again. More gently he continued: “It got screwed up. Let’s leave it at that for today. It’s Christmas.”

“…okay.”

“Okay.”

“Merry Christmas Tony.”

“Merry Christmas Steve.”


End file.
